The Worst Rejection: a high school memory

All fall semester my freshman year of high school, anyone who talked to me would hear all about how I just could not wait for that year's spring musical when I would at last make my debut on the wide black stage of the Poplar Pike Playhouse.   I had waited for my chance since 5th grade.  When spring came, Mr. Blustien announced that he had chosen The Sound of Music.   I was ecstatic.  That was only my favorite movie in the whole wide world and had been since the age of nine!

The audition notice said to prepare a song from the show.  I wanted to be Liesl.  I was still a little young- fourteen rather than sixteen going on seventeen, but I figured maybe I could have a chance if I impressed him enough.  Since I had sung "My Favorite Things" for a recital back in fifth grade, I prepared to sing it again.

I knew I was a good singer.  I walked around singing showtunes all the time in hopes of a random compliment from a stranger, and sometimes I even got it.  I had done 2 shows already and was in rehearsals for an upcoming production of Annie in which I was playing the Star-to-Be.  I was a shoo-in.  I might only get a small role in the ensemble but that was ok because I figured I'd score a lead by my senior year.

At the audition, Mr. B. piled us all into the choir room.  An older student collected our names, and each of us waited to be called to the piano.  I saw a lot of kids I recognized from previous shows.  Those who I had seen in productions there when I was a mere middle schooler were like stars to me.  Melissa Mason and Anna Godwin- Mary Lenox and Martha from last year's The Secret Garden...I was in total awe.  Their auditions were perfect.  They had main roles for sure.  But I still had hope.  The White twins were there...Paula and Tessa.  They were my peers who had played the stepsisters in Cinderella at the local children's theater while I was a townsperson, and I admired them too.  They were always so confident and funny.

I wrung my hands in anticipation of hearing my name as each student sang one of the famous songs some brilliantly and others didn't so much sing as warbled.  After what seemed like much too long, it was my turn....my time to show them what I've got.  Although nerves pulsed through my body, I got up there and sang a song I had sung a million times as best as I thought I could.  My voice wasn't completely smooth but no major mishaps.  Surely he would know that a little shaking was just audition nerves.  I'd find out the next day when the callback list went up.

My introduction to theater class was 2nd period.  As I entered C building the next day, I saw a crowd of kids pushing to see something on the choir room door.  The callback list.  My stomach swirled.  My heart pounded as fast as a rodent's.  I couldn't bear to look.  I continued upstairs to Mrs. Dean's class without discovering whether or not my hopes had been dashed.

A good chunk of my theater class had gone to that audition, and everyone was buzzing about the list.  I kept quiet. 

Paula White, ever sweet, asked "Did you get it?"

"I haven't looked," I said.

"I'll go see for you," she said.

 She fled back downstairs.  She returned in time for class to start and didn't say anything to me as Mrs. Dean was putting in the video of Pearly, a recording of a stage production that we had been watching in class.

I kept looking in Paula's direction for a sign of what she had seen on that list.  When she made eye contact with me, her eyes were sad.  She shook her head, and my world came crashing down.  I hadn't made it.  Not only did I not make it, I didn't make the first cut.  What had I done wrong?  It wasn't supposed to happen this way! 

Pearly blurred before my eyes.  The happy-go-luckily musical taunted me.  I couldn't make a sound and ruin everyone's enjoyment, but my face became streaked with damp tears as I cradled my head on my arms.

At the end of class, the lights flickered back on.  Mrs. Dean motioned to me with her finger and brought me into one of the nearby rooms outside her classroom.

"You didn't make it, did you?"

I sobbed harder.  She hugged me tightly and rubbed my back.

"It's only your first year.  You'll have your chance."

  "I thought I'd have a lead role by my senior year!" I sniffled, my words breaking up as I spoke.

"Just keep trying.  You never know."

I promised I would and left to go to third period.

I struggled to keep my composure throughout the school day, but my face remained damp from the streaks of tears that repeatedly flowed.  In my algebra class, a classmate tried to cheer me up with a note about how God has better plans.  I thought that was really sweet of her and appreciated the sentiment, but being someone without faith in religion, it didn't really make me feel much better.

The bus dropped me off near my house, and my sunken heart made my steps slow and heavy.  My head felt dizzy.  I very quietly unlocked the door and slinked up to my bedroom without announcing my arrival.  Talking to Mom about what happened would only bring out another river of tears.  All I could think to do was press my stomach into the floor and pound my fists.  The noise startled Mom and brought her upstairs.  She felt so bad for me when she saw me sulking there.  When she hadn't heard me come in, she assumed I had stayed at school for callbacks and was so excited.  Just as everyone else had, she encouraged me to keep trying.  Life is full of rejections.